Hold Up, Wait A Minute

January 10 2025

I’m going to start this new thing where I pair each post with a song that captures the mood or feeling behind it, because sometimes music expresses what words can’t. For today, it’s The Ship by Still Corners.

Remember my last post and how I said I’d try to be *more present, more patient, do less overthinking*? Yeah, we’re not off to a great start. What a surprise.

I feel more settled than I did when we first got here, but still as if I’m trying to catch up with everything that seems to be moving full-speed ahead, with or without me. It's overwhelming, really - the way events that consume us, taking up so much of our energy, emotions, and focus, can just end or disappear, fading into the past without the closure they deserve. It’s like all that effort, all those feelings, start to fade too - whether you’re ready for them to or not.

Now, when we speak about life and situate ourselves on a timeline, we say “after the war.” Feels weird. Like there’s an unspoken turning of a page, and I’m supposed to start a new chapter, but my mind is still stuck in the story of the one that came before. I spent two and a half months in Jordan. So much happened there, and now, it’s over. That part of me still feels like a raw, unfinished chapter.

We came back to Beirut and it was Christmas time and people were here and there were dinners and get-togethers and now that’s over too. Soon we’ll be going to the States so that I can give birth there. After that, we’ll return to Beirut. Just like that, another chapter will be over.

And every time I think about it, I get stuck in this weird in-between feeling. It’s the anticipation of what’s next, but also the sudden realization that it will be over before I’m ready for it. It’s like this endless loop, one moment, I’m thinking about the future, the next, I’m packing, preparing for a new phase, already feeling like I’m on the edge of something ending. It’s one thing after another and I feel like I’m tripping over myself trying to keep up. Even the good moments, they just slip through the cracks while I’m trying to figure out how the hell to make them last.

Time doesn’t care. It doesn’t stop or wait for us to catch up. It just keeps going, moving forward, while we try to chase it. What once felt monumental is now just another moment in the past.

So tell me, please, how do I live in the moment more? How do I make these transitions feel like something other than just moving on to the next thing? How do I make the good moments last longer? How do I process everything I’ve been through, do justice to all that I’ve experienced, without feeling like it’s just another chapter that closed too soon - and also without obsessing over it for too long?

Maybe just stop overthinking it? That would probably be a good start.